reconstruction

the red paint upon my nails is fading, cracking, chipping away like my once ever-flowing spirit.

i need rest; a trickling stream in a dark and quiet wood.
i need magic, the kind that tingles the under side of the ribs.
i need peace, a light, a hot bubble bath to scrape away these sensations of exhaustion and ingrained filth, which seem sewn within my marrow, and underneath my eye lids.

but, your peace, i can take it.
i can suck it in through a straw of sunlight you decided to shine upon me.
i can absorb it through a smile,
interpret it through the way a small child plays in the sand.

you are my everlasting, never-wanting peace;
a body from which contentment is drawn, and beauty is mirrored.
you are silence, a dream within a dream, of which i know is real.
truth. the purity of which deserves eternal admiration, awe, and praise.

let it be that i drink of your spirit,
inhale your light,
eat of your manna.

you, a one who is so great,
you, and only you, are my heart's desire.

just for the sake

of saying something, I'm going to put this in words.

I am sitting in the hospital doctor's lounge, on a gray, swivel chair, tilted sideways so the internet cable will stretch.

My hair is in a messy pony tail, and I am wearing a very comfy turquoise skirt, black shirt and I've taken off my sandals (my feet are currently bent underneath me). this was a bad idea, because i think i stepped on a mosquito, and now my (left) foot is itchy, itchy. the question in my mind is: "will i get malaria this time?". actually, cholera is the sickness that they theorize will come around any day now, so maybe malaria should not be so dreaded..?

today is thursday, my brother, Ryan, started university at Avondale this week, and my mom, i believe, is feeling rather lonely at home, sensing the empty-nest syndrome beginning. however, im due to depart from this land in approx 96 days, so its not so bad.

i just got back from practicing a line dance with my two buds here. we're having a cow-boy themed good bye party for our texan friend, danny. (he's actually full Argentinean, but who really cares?) he's leaving next week, and it's going to be really sad having yet another friend our age leave malawi. so, we celebrate via a square dance..

and now, i am getting hungry. a friend let us download a bunch of movies from her updated hard drive, so, knowing cass and i, we'll be glued to our laptops for the next several hours. and then, we wake up tomorrow morning, and start everything all over again.

such is my life, at this moment in Africa. (the time is 5:20 in the PM)

97

days left! Eep!

why cant...

why cant i just know? why cant we all just come out knowing what we're supposed to do with our lives? why, instead, must we be spinning in circles, looking for the answers?

i need to stop spinning. someone, please, stick out your foot and trip me. anything to just stop this madness.

It's finally the end

of a really, really long week. In fact, this week feels like it has taken the total length of time I have spent on this continent. which is approximately eight months. I can't believe how it just couldn't, wouldn't end until thirty minutes from now...

so how does one...

turn the other cheek? when what you'd really like to do is rip the person who is taunting you apart with your bare teeth..okay, that's very extreme. and gross. but still.

i have a parent who loves to yell. YELL YELL YELL YELL YELL! They love it! especially at me and cassie...because we're teachers and teachers, as everyone knows, love being yelled at.

but these complaints which are constantly being shot at us from this parent's mouth-rifle are not only totally unnerving, but also completely irrational.

"this late-homework rule is illegal!" he says, stabbing our letter-to-the-parents-reminding-them-of-the-late-work-rule with his finger. he glares at us, daring us to challenge him. we do, naturally. are you serious? what planet are you from? these are the same late rules we in America (he apparently has a high respect for America, so we play that card) have followed since pre-school. illegal? what is that?
another favorite of his is, "you're discriminating against my children! you yell at them in class and not at any of the other students, because we are Muslims!"

I'm sorry, but 1.) do you have a camera hidden somewhere where you are watching this, or are you actually making it all up? and 2.) WHAT?
he LOVES pulling the i'm-from-a-different-religion card (from nowhere, with no encouragement, mind you) whenever possible, because it's bound to win him a few points of guilt. even when there is NOTHING to be guilty for.

Anyway, his two children have a problem with late work. turning it in two weeks late doesnt exactly earn you much, if any, credit in any school in the world, right? i think im right when i say that. but, no, no, no. this is wrong. we need to give them FULL credit when they turn in 14 math assignments over three weeks late, because they are Muslims after all, and we can't be "discriminating". but forget the fact that every other child is expected to bide by the same normal school rules...right, no, those kids are the only exception..?

so, this week, there has been a lot of chiding (and yelling) at these two, to try and motivate(?)/impress upon them the urgency of turning in their late work/etc. sweet-talking, bribing, doing nothing, it doesnt work. not that getting angry does either. but we are up to our eyeballs in frustration, and just OVER it by now (get me home, dang it) and THIS EVENING we get a call saying to expect yet ANOTHER visit from this parent.

my god! a fiery knot inflames in my chest, and the feeling of drowning overtakes me. how can i go through this again? how can i keep myself from turning into a volcano of fury and exasperation at this parents accusations, threats, belittlements, and irrationality?

how, really, does one turn the other cheek

Sogginess

This morning I was woken by the tender tap-tapping of the rain on our tin roof. Careful, as if trying not to scare it, I pulled back my gray curtains an inch, and saw, that there was, indeed, water falling outside, and a thick mist clouding up the sky.

I took a breath, closed my eyes, and whispered a prayer/wish that it would stay like this for the entire day. (In Africa, the trend usually consists of RAIN, SUN, RAIN, SUN, all in one day, which is exhausting keeping up with).

And glory be, folks, my wish was heard and the rain has stayed ALL DAY! Seriously, it's so cool. And this is one of those pointless blogs with nothing significant, but I can't help but be pleased with my Malawian weather, which is consenting so affably today, February 10, 2011. And as for the sogginess in my shoes, pant bottoms, hair, I couldn't be more delighted.

I just wanted to say

that this weekend was good. So good, and so filled with good things, good people, good places. Thank you, Jesus, for these moments of fresh air, in the midst of chaos and confusion. You are the "good-est" part of it all.

I am becoming

impatient.