the bullet list

When I am overwhelmed, I have to sit down and make a bullet list. This could be towards de-stressing, or to simply relieve so much excitement! Such as from this weekend.

On Friday, Cass, her parents, Krystle and I made it up to the capital, Lilongwe, to pick up her brother, Matthew from the airport.

From there, we headed straight to Lake Malawi, to a gorgeous backpackers lodge called Cool Runnings, which is owned by this hippier, community-oriented white Zimbabwean lady named Sam. The African rain nearly drowned us both nights, but the days cleared beautifully, and we got to snorkle in the lake, and hang out on the beach.

After the second day, we drove down to Liwonde National Park, where we took a boat ride up the Shire River to another camp in the middle of the game park, along the river. It was so cool! We had hippos come up to us during the night, chomping away on the grass, and warthogs during the day, down on their knees, feasting too. The first day we got there, we took an awesome car safari ride, saw elephants, hippos, impala, bushbuck, waterbuck, baboons, and tons of gorgeous birds.

The following morning, we took a river safari and saw crocodiles, and accidentally ran over a hippo! woops. anyway, we left there in the afternoon, went to Zomba Plateau, ate lunch, and chilled out in the lovely, lush mountains.

And when I came back last night, to top off every other amazing thing that happened this weekend, i found out that I GOT THE JOB AT THE SM OFFICE! I am one of three receptionists at the front desk who says, hello, how can i help you become a student missionary. *smile!
im pumped to start working with campus ministries. i feel so blessed that God let me have this job, and i only hope that i can fully do my best!

okay, and then theres today. we went to the Open Arms Orphanage, one of my favorite spots here in Blantyre. we brought clothes, baby formula, shoes, and bibs. they looked smart in there fresh new clothes :) I held one little girl, Patricia, who had been abandoned about 4 or 5 months earlier. they got her then, and take care of her, still trying to track down her family. I also befriended a beautiful boy, Boniface, who was sick, and has gorgeous big, brown eyes. I helped him with his lunch, as well as a tiny little girl. afterward, they had their nap time, and we excused ourselves, and went to have lunch.
i just LOVE going there and taking care of those amazing children. they are so awesome.

for tonight, the last thing i'll write about, we are going hyena hunting at a park nearby. we are supposed to bring meat, and then hide up in a tree to wait for the pack to smell it. then, they come, and we spotlight them, and take pictures, and hope that they cant jump too high :) it should be fun!

well, these werent so much bullet points. maybe im getting better at writing fuller statements, even in my gleeful states.
anyway, thats all! God has blessed so much during this spring break!

it must be the march air

Since coming to Malawi, I have never wanted to stay longer than necessary. I have no interest. No inclination. I wouldn’t know how to be a full-time missionary. But. Tonight my eyes were opened just a millimeter to what it possibly could be like to be a missionary, a real one, I mean..

It started with the book, “Africa Rice Heart”, by a girl named Emily who worked in Chad as a nurse. Go Emily. This girl is awesome. A hippie with a heart for service. I was intrigued.

But, then I look at me. I’m already in Africa. But.

I cringe, turn up my nose at so much. When did I become so high strung? Since when have I cared? Since I saw Europe, and how beautiful things could be? I don’t know. Maybe since the divorce. I’m not sure.

But I’m just not outfitted for this work here in Malawi. It’s too clean, too bearable. I am getting so bored and restless. I hardly sleep, waking up throughout the night, tossing and turning on my hard bunk. Maybe I need more exercise.

Anyway, I just wish I wasn’t so bogged down by fears. Fears of going without, fears of being in unsafe situations, fears of getting hurt. Or worse than fear, worse than anything, I am trapped by rising indifference. I wish I could be like these hippies with hearts for service. But I have a feeling that my style, my interests, are more suited for old European libraries. Why is my lamonin holding together such a selfish mess of interests?

Why can’t I be cool, and not so worried? Why can’t I be fearless? How does one become fearless? This African experience has left me without. I didn’t get what I was hoping to come for. I am possibly even more selfish than before. I wanted to be broken, to change lives, and to have mine changed, like Emily. But no. I’m stuck here in “Africa For Beginners” land, where nothing happens and the biggest scandal is being stared at by some vacant-eyed, shoeless guy on the street. My compassion has dried up, my patience is worn thin, I am so tired of the monotony, so tired in general. Everything is so easy. Why, God? Why did I need to come here?

I need to know the answer.

Will I ever know it?

I need to let you know, Lord, that I have to come back. Not to Malawi, but to some other “Graduate Level” Africa experience. I’m not done yet. I got nothing this year. To feel like I’ve done something here, there is no alternative but to come back.

Maybe…maybe that’s why God sent me here. Because He knew that I wouldn’t have my fill, that I would absolutely have to come back in the future. It secures my return.
God, please, let me come back again someday soon, to a different place, and actually experience it this time around.

Maybe this place was warming me up. Getting most of my kinks worked through. I’ve worked through a lot of myself this year.

Issues have surfaced, been analyzed, addressed and taken care of. I’ve learned so much about people, myself, the world. I feel very much expanded, culturally, in that way. I feel very broad, happy with my views, confident in who I am.

But now, or sometime very close in the future, I want to go deeper.

I need more.

More God, more service; less pretty, more real. I need in-the-face, heart-shaking, ear-pounding work, that will shock the very blood from my body. I want to be in, giving my own blood, loving to the point of death, finding the treasure in the field so to speak. I need You, God. And I need to do this. You see this, saw it the whole time. Forget Europe. It has its own worries. I want you, all of you, and I know I will find it here.

Please, God, take me by the hand and lead me there.

i am aching

to get away. i want to be in the land of wireless internet, starbucks, clean bathrooms, safe streets. i hate to say this, but "i'm feeling over it". i want to check out. and it's a bit too early to feel those feelings. thanks, you people who are encouraging. but, now that ive experienced africa, i cant help but want to whine and say, "let me go home now".

so danny's

gone.

step one of my process of departure has been accomplished.

setp two comes next week, with the arrival of cassie's family. when they leave, we'll move to step three.

which is, my friend, Jan's, wedding in S. Africa. big stufff.

and thence to step four, Cassie's aunt's visit during our last week in May.

after that, we're tasting freedom, baby!