Skip, Hop, BOOM!!!...Africa

This blog is to commemorate a moment. A moment when I was in a puragtory between past and future, but right outside of the present. Have you ever been there?

It's almost like The Wood Between the Worlds in C.S. Lewis' Narnia Chronicles. You're going from pool to pool in that quiet wood, wondering which you ought to jump into. This one, or that..? Should you just walk around with your eyes closed and let yourself fall into one? Because, of course, it's impossible to tell what a world is like merely by looking at its pool (figurative speech of course).

So let me put this into context.

I had put all of my energy and secret wishes into making sure that I could go to Egypt this next year as a student missionary. It was a decision made for a specific purpose: I wanted to live in Egypt. Yeah, it's selfish, and I'll be the first to admit it. The position was located in my favorite area of the world, to teach my favorite subject: History. Could anyone ask for anything more perfect?

And I knew, without a doubt, that I would get this call. I don't know WHERE such confidence came from.

That's why when I got an email telling me that I wasn't accepted, I went catatonic. What? Not accepted? What do you mean, not accepted? I had to read and re-read the email about six times before it clicked. I am not going to Egypt.

I found myself a little peeved. Wasnt this what God wanted for me? I thought I was going on His say-so, and now the whole reason I was going in the first place is deleted from the list. Okay, now what?!

So, I found myself without a place. This is a very terrifying feeling, not to mention horribly confusing. The way the process works, once you're application gets rejected from your first choice, it moves on to your second choice. I hadnt planned for this happening(since I was very silly, and overly confident in getting the Egypt job), and had to very quickly scramble to make a list of other positions I was interested in, in different areas of the world. Of course, nothing else sounded exciting, compared to Egypt.

I prayed so hard about it I thought I would faint. In one morning, I needed to decide where I was going to spend my whole next year. But I had no idea where God wanted me! I was wrong the first time, so what makes me qualified to try again?! I felt like I had to guess where He wanted me, which I hated. It HAD to be the right place, not just a convenient one.

To make this whole situation even better, it was finals week. So whilst studying, i was plagued like nothing else by a crisis which resulted in where I would live, and what I would be doing for a span of ten months. Talk about a headache.

Finally, I threw up my hands and prayed that God would lead me to wherever I was needed. If the first choice was wrong, God, just let them reject me so we can move onto the next. It was the epitome of shooting in the dark. It was me asking, "Which pool is the right one?" and getting no answer.

I ended up chosing three different positions in Africa, for jobs I considered myself very inadequate to fill. One was for a high school religion teacher in Kenya, another for an elementary school teacher in Malawi, and one to be a librarian in Chad. I couldnt tell you which one I wanted more. At this point, it didnt matter.

To my GREATEST surprise, I didnt have long to wait. The very next morning, less than 24 hours later (!), my SM coordinator called to tell me that I had been accepted to fill a position. It was for the one in Malawi, to be the elementary school teacher. What?! God, is this you??

I found myself ankle-deep in a pool.

Honestly, I didnt even know how to react. I hadnt mentally prepared myself to be accepted to a place so soon. I had to keep repeating it to myself: "I am going to Malawi. I am going to Malawi. Yes. I am going to Malawi."

Despite the surprise and unexpectedness of the switch in locations, I knew that it was God pointing me in a direction and giving me every possible sign that I needed. Obviously, Malawi was the spot. Which was weird for me to comprehend. We had studied Malawi in my geography class, and I had heard a lot about it. And yet even hearing and learning about it, it was still the last place I would have imagined myself.

In retropect, I figure God used the Egypt call to woo me into the mission field now(The original plan was to go two years from now). But I think God knows me well, and I realize that mission callings are not meant to be chosen based on the missionary's preferences, but on what is best for the building of their character. I had chosen to apply to Egypt because it would have cool for ME, not anyone else. And that's wrong. I kind of knew it before, but I really know it now. And now that I think about it, I glad to go to Malawi because I know God has something special planned for me there. Like a gift-wrapped present, I have joy in receiving it, but have no idea what's inside. All I can do is trust that He knows me well enough to give me something that will totally clutch my heart.

God works in small, subtle ways, as well as monumental ones. It's the coolest thing to witness it yourself. You kind of have to make yourself stop and consider what just happened. And once you do that, you realize that there isnt any way that it just happened on its own. That was God. It was His invisible hand, pushing along your little life.

God speaks to us each in a language which we understand. Through small signs, to coincidences, to logic, to intution, to moments that seemed insignificant yet altered everything in the most dramatic way. He comprehends our minds because He's the inventor of them. He knows the ways, and plans, and secret wishes of our hearts and souls because he graphed, purposed them, and designed them to love the things which it loves. In our raw states, we are soley the art of God. So I trust Him to know what's good for me.

So, I guess we'll see how it goes. I'll be writing about my experiences in Malawi while I am there. The girl I am going with will also be blogging about it, so you can feel free to read hers as well. You can check the blogs I follow, and I'm pretty sure you'll find hers quick. :)

Just so you know, I expect to come back a different person. And I will go so far as to say that if I do NOT come back a different person, I will be giving up all hope for myself. But there's no point dwelling on that idea, because if anything alters a person more, it's getting that person outside of what is familiar and comfortable and forced to rely upon themselves, and on God.

So, cool. I guess that's all. I had to write it all down, to recognize its worth. In a way, it's being still, and knowing God. It's like putting on glasses and seeing clearly. I see God in my life, working mysteriously under the surfaces. Which is really cool. You should try it sometime.

And since it's big news and all, I figured it was worth a little blog. Plus, I have to remain faithful to this for the next year at least. No slacking. Practice makes perfect, they say.

for time, for dreams, for faith, for existence

passions, emotions, they take hold, they grab hold.
and i am like one who is held back by the ocean
from pursuing innumerable wonders
that would fill my head with adventures
and my heart with love.

o what a world that we live in!
so beautiful, yet filled with many significant inconveniences.
restlessness paired with impassioned hearts,
and limbs aching for action,
yet constrained by time and space.

progressive anxiety burrows into the muscles that crowd my neck,
and my joints pop as often as i step.

tonight, i am extra everything.
wishful squared and restless.
seeking, longing, praying for differences.

my faith is standing on a thin white line,
barely moving, yet daring to leap.

a little speck, a tiny spark, is all it needs,
to catapult into the great unknown which is our future.
my future.

the one i am waiting for, but not presuming to know.

and when it does arrive, the question is
will i recognize its presence, or
will it blend in like smell,
and simply be another part of me?

drawing the line in the sand

I've been studying Africa in two of my classes. It is a privilege and a heart breaking experience to follow its history and see such suffering. Our "world" in america blocks our view of places like Africa, through mind-dumbing activities that force us to think only of ourselves and our lives. But I've come to a simple conclusion and it is this:

the world is a full cup of equal doses of devastating beauty and absolute horror. We must never forget the one or the other. And it’s no use hiding from the horror. It’s as real as the rain; as the nails on our fingers. We cannot shut it out by closing our eyes. it will exist whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, like God.

Therefore, it is better to build our courage now, while we are apart from that evil, than be buried by it in shock and fear when we are finally faced with it.
Ignorance helps none of us. Sin is evil, and evil exists. Don't forget it. But don’t dwell upon the fact either. Recognize its validity and then put it away and engage yourself in the general goodness of life, for there are many, many wonderful things here.

And ultimately, it is the law of the universe that good will always be the victor. So make sure that you are on your respective side, whichever you choose.
Nobody respects an undecided mind. Be of firm belief in what you want-good or not good. Don’t sway in the middle; that’s not an option, and you will ultimately waste your existence if you allow yourself to hang between the two.

If you choose to be good, you must be all good, committing yourself to growing beauty and fostering love in the world. If you choose to be bad, you must commit yourself to that cause, for whatever reasons you may have. You may switch to any side you choose, at whatever point in your life, but you must be certain of your choice. There is no gray area.

So when picking sides, the line is drawn at our feet. and i have to say that ignoring the line equivocally puts you on a side already. it's real, it's sad, and it's ugly, but the only way to make a difference in this world, i believe, is to make that choice, and stick with it. and whether is africa, india, america, wherever, we are called to live out our lives with a strong mindset. lets not forget it.